I addressed the following questions on a recent podcast interview and thought I would share them here. I hope it may be helpful to someone and perhaps even nudge them to work through one or some of their losses…

What made me pursue grief and end of life as a niche?

My beloved mom died from cancer in January 2017 after a three year battle with her illness. This was not only a devastating loss for me, it was one of the first major losses of my life. I had no clue how to deal with the intensity of my grief or what it meant to “walk through it.” I found the church unhelpful and even harmful to me in my state of grief. This moved me to want to get real training on how to care for and minister to people who are grieving and coaching them I found is one of the best ways to do that. 

What is grief really?

There is a lot of confusion and misunderstanding of terms. Simply put, grief is the internal emotional response to any kind of loss (either physical death or living loss, like losing a job, marriage, etc.), while mourning is the external expression of the grief. Each and every loss in our lives needs to be mourned in some way–either through processing the painful emotions, through ritual or other ways–in order to heal and move forward. 

Why is addressing grief in coaching so important?

We live in a culture that doesn’t like to talk openly about things like death, dying, loss and grief. There is pressure to just “grin and bear it” or simply “get over it” and move on as quickly as possible. Even churches and places of worship can serve as a hindrance rather than a help to those who are grieving. 

Whether you’re coping with the death of a loved one, or a “living loss” such as a relationship break-up, a job loss, a global pandemic, or any other loss – each one ideally needs it’s own grief reaction to heal & move forward. Our souls can actually be enlarged and transformed as we absorb and walk through the pain of our losses, rather than ignoring or avoiding them.

What are some principles for coaching a grieving person?

Coaching a person through their losses–both death and living losses–in some ways is no different to coaching a person through any issue. You will create a safe space, there will be deep listening and powerful questioning (as appropriate) along the way. But here is how it differs. There are 8 building blocks for coaching the grieving person that build on the foundation of regular coaching (according to ICF standards). I will share 4 here:

1. Provide a safe place.

This is where you let the client know up front that they can say and do whatever they want in the session. We give them permission to hurt, cry, feel and say whatever they need to. They need to know we are committed to hearing their story without judgment.

2. Ride the roller coaster with them.

There are ups, downs, twists and turns on the grief journey that include a complex web of emotion, such as sadness, anger, guilt and even a sense of relief. As coaches we encourage the client to embrace every emotion that comes as a friend, rather than an enemy to avoid or fight. Often this is what people have been taught in their family growing up or at church. We don’t want to show too much sadness over our losses out of fear it might look like we are lacking in faith. But the opposite couldn’t be true. The psalmists displayed intense emotion in response to pain and loss. There is entire book of lamentations written in the face of death and destruction. Jesus wept. When we lose things we love, the right and human response is to feel the pain and face it. The job of a grief coach is simply to ride the roller coaster with them wherever it may go in a session.

This said, the coaching agreement may look different than a regular life coaching session. Most often a successful grief session is having a safe space to process and express difficult emotions before they can move on towards setting goals for what the future looks like. 

3. Assure them what is normal.

Most people did not grow up being told how to “grieve well.” Most people have not been modelled healthy ways to grieve and mourn. As a result, people (esp Christians) often feel a sense of guilt and shame for feeling what they do. A grief coach can serve as a sort of “expert” in this area and assure them that what they are going through is completely normal. And human. And Biblical.

4. Give them all the time that they need.

Because of cultural norms around grief, people often feel pressured by their peers, colleagues and loved ones to move beyond or get over their grief as quickly as possible. Grief coaching sessions can serve as a way to help the client slow down, process what they have been through, wrestle with the meaning of their loss and be given the permission to take all the time they need to do so. Eventually they may want to explore what their “new normal” looks like. But this comes only when they feel ready to go there. The grief coach much honor their time frame.

Where can a person hire a grief coach?

Grief coaching is one of the services I offer at Fuel for the Journey Coaching. Can go to my website: www.alikennedy.com to learn more or to get in touch with me.

Where can a person be trained as a grief coach?

I was trained by Dr. Don Eisenhauer through his PCC level ICF accredited program, Coaching at End of Life. You can learn more at www.coachingatendoflife.com.